hm

I wish I could be happier but its my own fault this week that my gloom and doom takes over. I thought that I would have so much fun here, why not, right? But, i didn't count on waking up Tuesday feeling like a truck hit me, then driving longer than necessary on wed (and later than we planned) missing out on activities.

Saw Marley and Me, yeah a great movie if you like to spend your day crying your eyes out. I like to be entertained at the theater not be embarrassed by my swollen red eyes and feeling depressed. They trick you into laughing through half the movie and then slap you with reality, as life often does, and bam you are grabbing you kleenex and wondering why do anything in life.

I'm being bah humbug and just need to "shape up!" Even my caribou coffee made me stomach feel like its inside out.

Twilight Review

I read Twilight in less than one week. It was amazing. The emotion, interactions, descriptions.... amazing. This book has gotten so many people to read an actual book. Almost every female I know has read this book, even as long as it is, or has heard of it.

The movie pales in comparison. But, of course it does! It would be very hard to find an actual person as beautiful as the vampires were described, especially with acting talent. With the descriptions of all the characters being so perfectly envisioned, I feel like the actors and actresses had their work cut out for them. However, the director - Catherine Hardwicke - did a horrible job of directing these actors/actresses!!! I didn't feel emotionally moved by the movie, which is surprising considering the book. The scenes looked like it was trying to be reality tv, or like "the hills". (I've only see 10 minutes of Hills episode before turning it off in disgust). My friend said it looked like a B movie and I absolutely agree, but the worst kind of B movie. I'm even fond of quite a few B movies but this one teetered more on awkward than unique. If she directs the next movie, New Moon, which I read it last week, I probably won't even go see it. She doesn't deserve to have the record for best opening weekend for a female director.

I enjoyed Edward and Bella's acting most of the time, and think it was fault of the screenwriter for any awkwardness. The casting of about half the characters was perfect, but the other half made it painful to watch. Why were such unknown actors (and untalented) cast for this big of a movie?? The movie skipped around a lot and if i probably only enjoyed it as much as i did because I had read the book.

Apparently- due to the numbers, everything i just critisized doesn't matter. Talent doesn't seem matter. The fan base, Edward's "hotness factor", and perhaps publicity, made this movie successful. Not the talent, the script, or the directing. Hardwicke and Rosenberg (screenwriter) are just riding the wave of Stephenie Meyer's brillantly entertaining novel.

Strangely enough, after my rant on perserving talent and not selling out, I would say I'd see the movie again in the future. And I'm sure kids and perhaps teenagers who don't care how bad the directing is would see it again. I did enjoy seeing some parts and it is fun to see parts of the book in action. I feel like i would have a clearer perspective of the movie if i saw it again, whether it be better or worse.

Halloween is great. It's a huge distraction and I'm grateful for it. I dressed up as a queen last night for work, and Friday, I'm going as a corpse bride with Bryan as the groom. I hope the party we've been planning for (at a friend's house) is fun.

I find joy in new gadgets/experiences.....

but they make me so nervous and sometimes anxious!

I enjoy that you can "follow" blogs on here now. I kept forgetting people's blogs and what they are called. Now I can find them easily. But it brings me back to the paranoia I had before when I was blogging on sites with so much traffic (myspace, facebook, xanga...) . I fear that I'm boring and that my writing is too simple. I will ignore these nagging thoughts and continue with confidence posting whatever I like in whatever form!

The last 2 days were the hardest days of my life physically. This is not an exaggeration in any sort. I still think they are better than the Oct 8-11, the week I found out I was having a miscarriage. The emotional stress and disappointment was hard for me, as it would be for anyone I suppose. Through prayer and having the courage to ask for prayer from others, I feel peace. I depended on God during the hardest times of my life. It always easier to say you will than actually doing it, and I certainly didn't do it in high school.

Back to the last 2 days physically- whew. I really don't feel like saying much about it on here, because its such a gray area of things you talk about with people. I felt weird talking about it with my mom! So, for personal venting purposes only, I am mentioning it. I am so grateful to have my husband and my mom at my side today!! And! I have to say nurses rock! They took such good care of me and kept putting warm blankets on me!

My mom and I went shopping today even, for a fun treat, and I did actually end up buying some really cheap clothes- it was at Plato's Closet- the secondhand store in Plymouth. I love it! I even got a winter coat that doesn't poof too much and fits a little snug, which seems good for a winter coat.

Why do musical artisits think its cool to put police sirens in their songs?!!! It annoys me so much. It was cool the first time, and from then on, especially in my car, I think that a cop is pulling me over. I bought the new Weezer cd- the Red one - and its my first complaint so that's not bad.

I'm soooo tired from getting up at 3 am this morning!!! But, I am too stubborn to go to bed because I know I wake up in 10 hours, which would be 7. I don't want to be sitting around waiting to go to work at 9! It's just a weird thing but I can't stand getting up too early. It throws off my whole morning routine. Also, it may end up that I sleep all the way to 8 anyway and that is 11 hours of sleep! I don't need that much.

OOoo, the Weezer album is redeemed! I just heard the lyrics stating that so what if Weezer is popular and is played on the radio. Go Weezer! I think its great that they keep making albums. Everything must change, its the way life works. If music stayed the same it would be so boring! It's like my buying "skater shoes" - etnies to be exact. I love them and they are actually quite durable, and I encourage the "fad". Yes, I do feel like I'm selling out a little, not being true to my roots, but its ok!! Do I want to dress like the 90's or when I was in college forever? No of course not. Yes, I did buy cropped hoodies and longer shirts and like them.

Oh gosh, life isn't about clothes, I'm being silly. I just like to express myself in every way possible and the clothes are the fastest and easiest way to do that. I do have views on politics, morals, and other things but I guess I'm too scared to talk about them. Ok, signing off to sleep, and putting Bryan at rest too (i have long nails... makes typing loud).

Update

Today, my fever is lower. I am still weak and its hard to do much activity, like make myself lunch or walk around, but I'm feeling better overall. I'm so glad I took the day off to rest and get better!

Yesterday was tough, working while sick at a strange place I've been. I went to go work in St. Louis Park. It is a big center! So many children!! I was overwhelmed.

Found this while surfing the web on my boring sick day:

http://www.jobvent.com/lowestRanked.php?PageNum=2

Apparently, working at Hollywood Video or going back to Petsmart would be a better work environment than KinderCare. I'm glad our center isn't as bad as most.

Washington was fun! We were there from Wed-Mon early morning. Thursday, we went to Rosario Beach, as tradition. We visited Mandy and John and went to Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. Friday was the gaming convention which was sooo fun!! We played lots of video games. Saturday, Bryan went kayaking and I looked at boats. Sunday, we went to church and saw our friends and went to Bellingham to see Minnesota friends! Then I went shopping with Mandy and Bryan's sister Amy! It was so much fun. I can't wait to see them all again.. someday.

Horray!!

I just got a relieving message. Sometimes I'm so paranoid. My guilt created a reason for someone to be upset with me, but they aren't! One less thing to worry about!

I have a busy week planned. I seem to be stepping out of my comfort zone so much lately. It's good for me, yet creates more worry and stress. At my job, I volunteered to teach phonics for 2 weeks before the new teacher gets there. I did not know that it would be starting tomorrow. AHHH!! Technically, Friday was the other teacher's last day, but they talked her into staying one more day (today) so she could train me in. We are so lucky that she is so extremely organized because i might actually do ok. It's very scary to be in charge of 7 groups of children at all different levels. Each one even uses a different teaching manual! The unfortunate thing is that I am in charge of teaching my own class for the next 2 weeks but I won't be in the classroom because of teaching Phonics. That means I have to do the planning and prepping for both, and my co-teacher has to carry out the lesson plans i made up. Awkward!! I hope I don't end up planning all these things that we don't end up doing! I am kind of bummed to miss the alphabits band. :( ha.

A friend at work made me banana bread. She's so sweet.

I hate when the drain in the bathroom sink is slow and all i see is a pool of white from the toothpaste i just spit out. There's something gross about white and teeth grime floating around in water.

I've been lucky to have many fun events happen lately. I keep remembering how fun the Rancid/MXPX concert was!! I went to my cousin's wedding and it was a big and loud wedding- the best kind! Many gave speeches and some sang songs even. We all danced to songs from the 90's until 1 am. On Sunday, we went to Heather's benefit. It was the strangest thing "celebrating" one's life because she, in fact, died. It was fun and I loved seeing all the families outside of what I refer to as "work".

We watched American Meth today with a few friends. Quite the movie. I felt sad for the families whose lives are run by the addiction to meth. I tried to recognize the sadness I felt from the movie as a good thing, because I want to be affected by these things in life. I want feel the need to help, even if i can't. The movie supposedly ended with hope, but that hope is thin and easy to see through. The choices were made and they will live with them. I guess the hope lies in that the users really did stop and won't go back.

I feel like I have some sort of plan for the next year. There's been a few events that have affected my view on life, and perhaps some of my goals. Of course, anything could change, anything could happen.

frusteration

I feel alienated at my work lately. I am offering to help for the benefit and I feel like no one is taking it. I haven't been able to attend the meetings but I work with every single person in charge and they said its ok if I missed them. I thought that its more helpful for me to say I'll do anything rather than I just choose something, whether if I know its been done or not. The requests never came, despite emails and me asking around. I decided to pick a suburb and just start calling restaurants and businesses. I feel awkward about the whole thing! I haven't helped at all so I feel selfish, yet what more can I do to help.

This has happened with other events at work, and maybe its best if I don't volunteer for anything.

Watched Rushmore, its pretty funny....and strange.

cruel

My body hates me! Argggghh!

I'm being a little dramatic I guess. I woke up with a sore throat, couldn't talk much, ear ache, fever.... I couldn't go down to Kasson to see my mom for her birthday. I was now looking at a day of boredom. Finally my fever went down and I slept a lot. However, I am annoyed to find a canker sore on my throat, the side my ear ache is on. A canker sore?!!!! I canceled my weekend and had a fever because of a canker sore?! How lame. So here I am, after watching hours of tv and netflix. I even had a list for cleaning. My brother might come over and keep me company.... but that's not for sure at this point.

Ok, I'm done with complaining for the moment.

break in cleaning

This will be possibly short and to the point. This is because I'm taking a break from cleaning.

It's strange when I think I've got a pretty good hold on life, and I actually have no clue. I think that I've got things together and I'm on top of it. That's when my world gets shaken and things become unsure and unknown.

Summer started off well and I've been really excited for the warm weather (which actually did come until the end of June). Then a co-worker I've always admired, and enjoyed working with, gets sick suddenly 5 weeks after having a baby. She dies a week later. Everything seems different at work now. People are more upset, more edgy. Not as willing to help, be kind, and overlook simple mistakes or judgment calls. I've become extremely insecure and too aware of myself teaching and handling the new class of 4 year olds. I feel stubborn that I don't want to help in planning things for her because she shouldn't have died in the first place, yet remember those living and grieving like her husband and daughters.

Weddings are unpredictable. You never know whats going to happen, what's going to go wrong or what's actually the most fun. Sometimes I meet new friends and that is always fun, but we usually don't see each other again, or at least for a very long time.

I keep super busy because I like to live the summer out to its fullest. Hopefully tomorrow's mini party is fun and doesn't add anxiety when I mean to just have fun. We cleaned all day today for it, but really it needed to be done regardless. Maybe that's why I invited a bunch of people over-for the excuse to do the deep cleaning.

Money. there are so many things I could say about it, most bitter, but it doesn't matter because we need it to live and there's no point in dwelling in the lack of it.

Back to cleaning.

quick blog!

I want to go to valleyfair but weekends are so busy!!! This weekend I'm going to rochester for father's day and hopefully see my friend Megan L (from florida). Next weekend is my friend's Heather's wedding!!

Going to a concert tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friends?

One day I decided to try something new with a boy at my work. He is quite the trouble maker and has many issues. He isn't nice to others, will quickly hit, pull on, kick, yell at others. Yesterday I decided to ask him something nice like what did you do yesterday? He yelled something I couldn't understand and just ran off, as usual. I kept trying though, and we ended up talking a long time about his home situation. He let me give him hugs and said everyone yells at him. Yes, everyone does "yell" at him, but he is always needing to be told to follow directions, settle down..... So, I tried to say it nicer. It worked!!! Today, he came up and gave me a hug, a BIG hug!! And he asked if we were best buds and he said he likes me. He also asked if I was his friend. We sat and talked a long time. I found out most of the stuff he tells me are lies, about his family, but it seems like he just needs someone to pay attention to him in a positive way. We can work on the lying later. :) :)

The weather is CRAZY!!!!! Yesterday was cold and I wore 2 jackets and it rained all day. Today I wore my 2 jackets in the morning, and it was cloudy and boring. By the afternoon/evening it was sooo hot and sunny!! We didn't even wear our hoodies and we were sweating. We had to go inside because it was too hot and drink a lot of water. How strange.

When I was over at my friend Damien's, he had me drink one of his Lipton Ice teas since he was kind of sick of them. The cravings started about a week later and soon I was embarrassing myself at restaurants asking if they had it. Eric confirmed that he, too, was addicted to the same drink and we raved about it one day. Hopefully its a better alternative to pop and high calorie juice.

However! Nothing pairs better with pizza than a nice cold pop, which is about to be my delicious supper.

A poem:

I made a box of mac and cheese
but no one is here to eat it with me.


Sitting all day in front of a computer makes me feel silly. I have been working on project ALL DAY!! Bryan has been at work. This wouldn't be so hard except for that I'm all alone and things get strange after a while. I've played about 7 cds and chatted online and texted friends to keep myself company.

I go through these strange bouts of perfectionism and then I realize its silly and become more relaxed. I frown at the kids at work not being perfect, and Patty helps me realize kids aren't perfect and when to get fussy over behavior. I frown at myself for not being perfect, and unfortunately (which I hate always spelling wrong) at Bryan too. But, I'll keep fighting the frowns and remember with the bad there is always good somewhere.

I'm thinking a lot about eating healthier. Not sure how to go about it, so I've been eating a lot more ham sandwiches. What's REALLY healthy anyway??

THINK!!

I wish I could just relax and think when a conflict/problems arises. Instead, I lose my mind-whether its shown on the outside or not.

I dislike gas stoves and ovens and fire in general. I've always been reluctant to cook. Recently, I have started to "provide care" for one of the 4 year olds in my class and his twin sisters. It's quite enjoyable and it pays well-almost taking the place of second job. Anyway, I had to heat up milk on the stove today and left the gas burner on for hours!!! ARGGH! I thought I was turning off the correct burner but the flame wouldn't go out. I was nervous enough about it, so I didn't think to check all the burners and make sure I had the right one off. I thought blowing out the flame would be fine, but I guess it isn't. Problem- gas stoves/fire. Anxiety over fire and not being able to figure it out, made me miss a simple solution to a problem that would not existed.

Now I know for next time!

I got Tony Hawk-American Wasteland!!! It will keep me busy until I can buy RockBand.

Poor behavior should not get rewarded.

Behavior that is rewarded positively to the person -intentially or unintentially- is obviously often repeated.

I'm tired of seeing this happen in society and I fear what its going to do for the social interactions of children to young adults today.

*Paris Hilton- claim to fame- drinking? being sassy and rude? clubbing? showing body parts? weighing 90 lbs? sex tapes?
Women and girls think she's so cool and beautiful and buy her books, her dvds and whatever else. It's no wonder Hollywood women (Brittany, Lyndsey Lohan, Tara Reid...) are falling apart, having mental breakdowns, going to rehab for who knows what. Paris constantly gets publicity and positive reactions to her poor behavior.

*The Bachelor girls & bad attitudes on reality TV- This kind of goes along with Paris Hilton.
There is usually one outrageous girl who flips out because she wasn't chosen. One season, one of them claimed to be a princess and said things like- it's because I'm beautiful and rich and they are ugly. She was glorifed for this embarassing show of immaturity and a bad attitude. She got extra coverage on the show, plus a special interview later on. More and more females are seeing that they get special attention for acting this way and I'm hoping teenagers realize that its just the TV, and you won't get anywhere in life if you really act like this.

*Teenage pregnancies- This is the oldest example. I've seen it since I was in high school.
We want the babies to be born, be safe, and be well-nourished. The government gives money to teenage moms so they can supply their kids with lots of food and proper clothing/diapers. What I've seen happen is they spend it on new cars, manicures and highlighting hair, expensive clothing, and drinking. I understand the concern and why we are helping out, but how can we do it in a different way?

*high school and free laptops online.
I heard on the radio the other day that you can get your GED online by taking online courses and maybe some college courses. It advertised people who had dropped out of high school and were now ready to get their GED. They also get a FREE laptop for signing up. I maybe don't have all the right information and this could serve as an alternative to that vicious social world. It also probably saves a lot of money. However, it seems to me that if you made the foolish mistake of dropping out of high school, which really isn't that hard to begin with, then you SHOULD NOT be rewarded with a free laptop. There are people who went through high school and graduated when they should have and they aren't getting free laptops for college.

ho-hum

This week is the last week for one of my 4 year olds. I am sad to see him and his family go, even if there is some relief (long story).

I ended up with a sinus infection over the weekend. I woke up with a sore throat, inside and out, on Friday and that's all it was for a while. Saturday overnight, I didn't sleep well and that's when it quickly became what it is. It's wierd that the sore throat goes away suddenly. I just should accept that I get these sinus infections and that's that.

I loved the beautiful weather today, and I was actually too hot walking home on break! I am eager to find out the high temperature today. I really really miss the weather channel and local on the 8's. I wanted to track the storms tonight but its too hard online so we just listened.

I learned that my friend/co-worker Tara writes stories and poetry! For the stories, she even made up a whole different world, complete with a modern twist to the old 1800s style. I used to love to write, and maybe I still want to, but its just been reduced to these blogs. I felt like my stories didn't mature enough past a certain age and became silly and not serious.

Noodles :(

I love the restaurant Noodles. My brother is as much as a fanatic as I am. Often we go there together and since we order the exact same thing everytime it's even more fun!

Today we went to the Noodles in Apple Valley, where Eric lives, which we have done many times before. Neither of us should be spending money but thought it would be the one special treat. However, this time the buttered noodles and parmesan tasted sooo bad I wanted to throw up. At first I thought mine tasted fine and his was too salty, but soon I realized that mine was too salty and seasoned. It obviously wasn't a mistake, since both of ours were so salty. We should have complained but it didn't seem as bad until the end, and we both felt bad since our main goal would be to inform in order to prevent. And NOT to complain to get something in return, which makes them annoyed and could potentially wreck their day.

So we made up for it by going to get gelado at our favorite place! It was gooood!!!