frusteration

I feel alienated at my work lately. I am offering to help for the benefit and I feel like no one is taking it. I haven't been able to attend the meetings but I work with every single person in charge and they said its ok if I missed them. I thought that its more helpful for me to say I'll do anything rather than I just choose something, whether if I know its been done or not. The requests never came, despite emails and me asking around. I decided to pick a suburb and just start calling restaurants and businesses. I feel awkward about the whole thing! I haven't helped at all so I feel selfish, yet what more can I do to help.

This has happened with other events at work, and maybe its best if I don't volunteer for anything.

Watched Rushmore, its pretty funny....and strange.

cruel

My body hates me! Argggghh!

I'm being a little dramatic I guess. I woke up with a sore throat, couldn't talk much, ear ache, fever.... I couldn't go down to Kasson to see my mom for her birthday. I was now looking at a day of boredom. Finally my fever went down and I slept a lot. However, I am annoyed to find a canker sore on my throat, the side my ear ache is on. A canker sore?!!!! I canceled my weekend and had a fever because of a canker sore?! How lame. So here I am, after watching hours of tv and netflix. I even had a list for cleaning. My brother might come over and keep me company.... but that's not for sure at this point.

Ok, I'm done with complaining for the moment.

break in cleaning

This will be possibly short and to the point. This is because I'm taking a break from cleaning.

It's strange when I think I've got a pretty good hold on life, and I actually have no clue. I think that I've got things together and I'm on top of it. That's when my world gets shaken and things become unsure and unknown.

Summer started off well and I've been really excited for the warm weather (which actually did come until the end of June). Then a co-worker I've always admired, and enjoyed working with, gets sick suddenly 5 weeks after having a baby. She dies a week later. Everything seems different at work now. People are more upset, more edgy. Not as willing to help, be kind, and overlook simple mistakes or judgment calls. I've become extremely insecure and too aware of myself teaching and handling the new class of 4 year olds. I feel stubborn that I don't want to help in planning things for her because she shouldn't have died in the first place, yet remember those living and grieving like her husband and daughters.

Weddings are unpredictable. You never know whats going to happen, what's going to go wrong or what's actually the most fun. Sometimes I meet new friends and that is always fun, but we usually don't see each other again, or at least for a very long time.

I keep super busy because I like to live the summer out to its fullest. Hopefully tomorrow's mini party is fun and doesn't add anxiety when I mean to just have fun. We cleaned all day today for it, but really it needed to be done regardless. Maybe that's why I invited a bunch of people over-for the excuse to do the deep cleaning.

Money. there are so many things I could say about it, most bitter, but it doesn't matter because we need it to live and there's no point in dwelling in the lack of it.

Back to cleaning.

quick blog!

I want to go to valleyfair but weekends are so busy!!! This weekend I'm going to rochester for father's day and hopefully see my friend Megan L (from florida). Next weekend is my friend's Heather's wedding!!

Going to a concert tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friends?

One day I decided to try something new with a boy at my work. He is quite the trouble maker and has many issues. He isn't nice to others, will quickly hit, pull on, kick, yell at others. Yesterday I decided to ask him something nice like what did you do yesterday? He yelled something I couldn't understand and just ran off, as usual. I kept trying though, and we ended up talking a long time about his home situation. He let me give him hugs and said everyone yells at him. Yes, everyone does "yell" at him, but he is always needing to be told to follow directions, settle down..... So, I tried to say it nicer. It worked!!! Today, he came up and gave me a hug, a BIG hug!! And he asked if we were best buds and he said he likes me. He also asked if I was his friend. We sat and talked a long time. I found out most of the stuff he tells me are lies, about his family, but it seems like he just needs someone to pay attention to him in a positive way. We can work on the lying later. :) :)

The weather is CRAZY!!!!! Yesterday was cold and I wore 2 jackets and it rained all day. Today I wore my 2 jackets in the morning, and it was cloudy and boring. By the afternoon/evening it was sooo hot and sunny!! We didn't even wear our hoodies and we were sweating. We had to go inside because it was too hot and drink a lot of water. How strange.

When I was over at my friend Damien's, he had me drink one of his Lipton Ice teas since he was kind of sick of them. The cravings started about a week later and soon I was embarrassing myself at restaurants asking if they had it. Eric confirmed that he, too, was addicted to the same drink and we raved about it one day. Hopefully its a better alternative to pop and high calorie juice.

However! Nothing pairs better with pizza than a nice cold pop, which is about to be my delicious supper.

A poem:

I made a box of mac and cheese
but no one is here to eat it with me.


Sitting all day in front of a computer makes me feel silly. I have been working on project ALL DAY!! Bryan has been at work. This wouldn't be so hard except for that I'm all alone and things get strange after a while. I've played about 7 cds and chatted online and texted friends to keep myself company.

I go through these strange bouts of perfectionism and then I realize its silly and become more relaxed. I frown at the kids at work not being perfect, and Patty helps me realize kids aren't perfect and when to get fussy over behavior. I frown at myself for not being perfect, and unfortunately (which I hate always spelling wrong) at Bryan too. But, I'll keep fighting the frowns and remember with the bad there is always good somewhere.

I'm thinking a lot about eating healthier. Not sure how to go about it, so I've been eating a lot more ham sandwiches. What's REALLY healthy anyway??

THINK!!

I wish I could just relax and think when a conflict/problems arises. Instead, I lose my mind-whether its shown on the outside or not.

I dislike gas stoves and ovens and fire in general. I've always been reluctant to cook. Recently, I have started to "provide care" for one of the 4 year olds in my class and his twin sisters. It's quite enjoyable and it pays well-almost taking the place of second job. Anyway, I had to heat up milk on the stove today and left the gas burner on for hours!!! ARGGH! I thought I was turning off the correct burner but the flame wouldn't go out. I was nervous enough about it, so I didn't think to check all the burners and make sure I had the right one off. I thought blowing out the flame would be fine, but I guess it isn't. Problem- gas stoves/fire. Anxiety over fire and not being able to figure it out, made me miss a simple solution to a problem that would not existed.

Now I know for next time!

I got Tony Hawk-American Wasteland!!! It will keep me busy until I can buy RockBand.